Letting it GO!

Is there anything worse than the unknown?  Maybe.  But for me right here, right now, I’m going to say no.  No, there is nothing worse than the unknown.  Not today.

I hate to be told “we will have to wait and see what happens”.  We have to wait and see where Trevor gets accepted to school.  We have to wait and see where he matches for residency.  We have to wait and see where he will get a job.  Wait and see where we will move, where my kids will grow up.  Wait and see.  Wait and see. 

You’ll have to excuse me while I throw a pity party.  Feel free to stop reading right now…..   you’ve been warned!!  Those that know me know that I’m tough as nails, but for a moment I’m going to make like Elsa and just LET IT GO.  I’m going to whine and complain about things that have happened and that have had a huge effect on me.  Things that I just “toughed” through and brushed aside and pretended I was fine.  When I told myself that people’s actions didn’t intend to hurt me, so I should just not say anything to them because they are family and it will make things weird.   Just because they didn’t intend to doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and that I wasn’t hurt.  I’m not going to call anyone out and I certainly don’t blame anyone.  I’m just going to put the facts out there and get things off my chest.  I’ll skip the nitty gritty things and go straight to the biggest things that still haunt me.  And then I will get over myself and move on. Promise.  So, here goes…

I’ll start with KynnLee.  This little girl was a planned C-section.  We knew the date pretty far in advance.  As I was being taken into the OR I reflected on all the times I was at the hospital for the birth of a child.  I couldn’t help but be disappointed that we had to plan this C-section while Jaden was at pre-school because it was just me and Trevor there.   I had no crowd in the waiting room eagerly anticipating the delivery of my sweet little girl.  Nobody.  We had planned for my mom to come the next day because she couldn’t stay long since my dad was very sick and starting his journey of stem cell transplants and chemotherapy.  I had 5 days of help at home after KynnLee was born.  FIVE DAYS of help after major surgery and I was on my own with a newborn and a 4year old.  About a week later I got sick.  Really sick.  I constantly felt like I was going to pass out and had this horrible, awful neck pain.  So I was sent to the ER.  A good friend stayed with Jaden and KynnLee for a couple hours so Trevor could be there with me.  But she then had to go home and take care of her own family.  So Trevor went home with the kids and I was still in the ER.  The ER doc was POSITIVE I had just had a stroke.  I had all the symptoms and even a family history of stroke at an early age.  I cannot tell you how awful of an experience it was to be in the ER by myself being told I had a stroke and having to get a spinal tap without anyone’s hand to hold.  That day still haunts me.  They ruled out stroke and I was sent home to be sick and just wait it out.  I am forever grateful to another good friend who picked up Jaden every day and took him to preschool for several weeks.  I wasn’t even allowed to drive, so he wouldn’t have made it otherwise.  I wasn’t allowed to buck up and just do it, as much as I wanted to. 

Fast forward a couple years.  I had a rare form of endometriosis that was actually caused from my first C-section.  While I’m whining and complaining, can I just throw out there all the super rare medical conditions that I’ve had that require surgery??  Let me name them:

5lb baby getting stuck and requiring a C-section (whatever that condition is called)

Tonsillectomy as an adult (ok, that one’s not as rare, but sucked still)

A form of endometriosis that happens in less than 1% of c-sections

MOH’S surgery for a spot of skin cancer

Exertional compartment syndrome in my shins (a surgery that Trevor can actually do but it is so rare that it has never come up during his residency so he hasn’t done that surgery yet.)

Coccygectomy from a fractured coccyx that wouldn’t heal.  I literally sat on a broken bone for over a year because I had no insurance.

Don’t get me wrong.  I know things could be a lot worse.  I know that I am blessed with good health.  I’m healthy as a horse and tough as nails, just unlucky as hell.  I’m throwing a pity party, remember?  I’m letting it go and then I’ll be over it.  Promise.

So, we lived in Cleveland and I had to get this surgery to remove endometriosis.  Not a huge deal.  I was told it could be done outpatient.  My kids were 1 and 5 so I needed it to be outpatient.  I ended up having to stay overnight for monitoring and pain management because it was more invasive than they thought it would need to be.  No big deal.  Until I got home and the magical pain meds wore off.  It was almost as bad as a c-section.  In fact, they opened up ½ of my cesarean scar plus I had 3 other incisions.  I had awesome friends helping with my kids and bringing meals.  Until KynnLee got sick.  I couldn’t send her with a friend to get their kids sick.  So I was on my own.  If I remember right it was a test week so Trevor was basically non-existent.  I remember after she got sick in my bed and barely mustering up the energy to pull all the bedding off my bed (it was probably heavier than I should have been lifting), and as I carried it down to the laundry I prayed I would not pass out (my low BP drops even more after surgery), prayed I would not fall down the stairs, and prayed I would not rip open my abdomen.  That day still haunts me. 

It was then that I decided I absolutely could not have any more surgeries until we could afford to hire help.  It was just too hard.  I’m one to tough it out, but I feel like I’m allowed to be a pansy when it comes to major surgery, and I deserve a little help. 

Speaking of having nobody there for us, and while I’m on a tangent, I have something else to get off my chest.  Important events.  When Trevor started medical school they had their white coat ceremony.  While it seemed that everyone else had tons of family there, Trevor had his wife and kids.  And I spent most of the time outside with my loud and wiggly 4 year old.  Then Trevor’s MEDICAL SCHOOL GRADUATION came around, he had my parents and his wife and kids there.  I’m pretty sure he had the smallest cheering crowd.  That is a HUGE accomplishment.  Then Jaden turned 8 and chose to be baptized.  Jaden had one set of grandparents, his mom, dad, and his sister there.  I’m forever grateful to our Ohio friends who attended his baptism and made his day complete.  We had an amazing little brunch afterword and so many people stepped up to help. Except for the fact that Trevor had to leave shortly afterward to go to a funeral in Idaho, Jaden had a great baptism.  I completely understand the circumstance, I really do.  But the thing that hurt the most was being told “sorry, family needs us right now” and then never receiving a call of congratulations.  The silence of the phone rang loud and clear, and it still does.  I’m sorry, but it is just very disappointing for me to look back on the most important events of our lives and remembering how {almost} nobody was there.  Then not receiving a phone call is like twisting the knife around. 

Fast forward to now.  I am so proud of Trevor and his determination to find an awesome paying job.  He worked hard and smart in his job search and it paid off.  Podiatrists are accepting jobs for half of what Trevor will be making.   He knows what I went through and has not bothered me about adding to our family… until he knew we could afford to hire the help that I would need.  This is not how I imagined my family would be; a 4 year gap and then a SEVEN year gap?  Not ideal, but it is what it is.   Yes, there was a long stretch of time that I thought I was done having kids just because of the whole situation.  Which brings me back to my original statement.  The unknown.  I’m currently in a “watch and wait” situation with a 6-week pregnancy that is most likely going to end up a miscarriage… adding an even bigger gap between our kids, but whatever, it is what it is.  My hormone level is 113 and it should be somewhere in the 2,000’s.  Which is weird, because I’m really irritable.  It feels like everything is sky high.  In fact, the other night Jaden asked me why I was so mad and I said “I don’t know!  Go to bed!”.  I love boys.  They are so matter-of-fact and don’t hold you accountable for being mean the next day.  So the Dr. called me yesterday and said it’s a possibility I will have to go to the ER over the weekend if I start having pain.  Awesome.  I hate the friggin ER.  HATE.  I don’t even know what hospital takes my insurance, you would think Blue Cross Blue Shield would be pretty widely accepted, but apparently I chose a crappy plan because there’s lots of docs and hospitals that don’t take it (thank you Obama!).  Luckily I switched plans before the Feb. 15 cut off and I’ll be on a different plan starting in March.  So now we wait.  I got almost 12hrs sleep last night then I took like a 2 ½ hour nap this afternoon.  I go back in Monday for another blood draw, I feel like I should tell them to just book an OR already because that’s the way I roll.  The unknown is the worst.  Not knowing if I’m going to feel well the next day.  Not knowing if I will make it through teaching my classes or if I will have an embarrassing incident and have to leave.  I keep blacking out during my classes, luckily I don’t think anybody has noticed.  So I guess we will just wait and see.  Wait… and… see. 

Deep breath.  Ok, now I will step off my soap box.  I’m over it.  I feel much better.  Thanks for letting me LET IT GO.